November 18


It's all my fault.
I was weak.
So I woke up after a few hours of sleep, still haunted by these terrible nightmares. In this one, I was a circus freak, and John was a cruel trainer. It was bizarre, it made no sense, and the audience was filled with only celebrities. I kept looking for Jack..._{but he wasn't there...}
I put the songs from the CD into my MP3 player and began to walk over to the school campus. I met up with Ami on the way. She looked happy to see me (as always), and gave me a nice comfortable hug.
To think I'd always have found them too strong. The way that John hugged me made Ami's hugs soft like clouds...maybe they'd always been like that. My brain felt like it was melting and I kept getting black flashes.
I looked up after Ami's embrace, and I saw Jack walking towards us.
That's when everything went black. The last thing I heard was everyone calling my name and Andrea saying, "Don't worry, we'll get Mr. Saringo here soon. Everything will be all right."

All right...

I'm in my dorm room. But it feels more like a hospital at night, when the only light is a small lamp desk that only lights one half of your bed. There are some roses from the girls. There was a little note that I didn't even need to pick up to read. It said, _{"We want you to feel better. We all miss you, and are really worried about you. Especially Jack."}

"I thought I told you to get some sleep!"

The voice had startled me. My eyes looked down to see that Jack was in the shadows, sitting in the dark. I closed them tight and pretended to sleep. Maybe he didn't know I was awake.
He didn't.
"This wouldn't had happened if you'd just quit it already! You're overworking yourself, look at your desk, you can't stop writing! Can't you just NOT do your homework for once? You need a break...if anyone needs a break, it's you, kid."
He came closer to me, and started to stroke my forehead. I shivered, but not because of the touch of his hands. I was cold. My vertebrae felt like it was constantly disconnecting, shaking, and my teeth began to chatter. My mouth started to bleed...I hated the feeling of cold. It reminded me too much of ice.
Of John.
"You're burning up, kid..."
From what I was hearing, he went to the miniature kitchen and took a small towel, soaked it in cold water and wrung it. But rather gently, he put it on my forehead.
Okay, I really don't know what I was doing...maybe I just wanted to play around with Jack's head...not to be mean...but I just wanted to talk to him somehow. I started saying, rather softly, pretending to talk in my dreams, _"Jack..."
That must have caught his attention. I felt his head candle flicker, and knew that he was attentive.
_{"I'm...sorry."}
That's when the blood began to leak out from my mouth.
I heard Jack curse quite a bit, and he ran out of the room. I missed him...all of a sudden, the room was even colder. I opened my eyes, knowing that now that I was bleeding, I had an excuse to "wake up".
A few minutes later, Jack came back with Mr. Saringo. I looked over at him and said his name, but my body was wracked by coughing.
"Where is he bleeding?" Sar asked, and Jack began to explain the situation in a flustered tone. I admit, he's quite cute when he's flustered. I calmly tried to explain through the coughs and the shivers that it was just my teeth, that they were just too sharp and sometimes I talked in my sleep...and when unconscious, I didn't really try to control them from biting my tongue.
Saringo stroked my forehead and I whimpered (what a pathetic sound). He put some anesthetic in my mouth (Geh...I hate that taste). Luckily, he said that I should be completely better by the morning and that my fever had decreased a bit from the last time he had checked, (really?) and that Jack should go back to his dorm and go to sleep.
"Sure thing Doc," Jack said, but he gave me a wink. After Saringo left, he sat back down on the chair. He wasn't leaving. I asked, "Why? What if you get my fever?"
Jack shrugged. "I don't see how I'd get it. I'm immune." I wondered if he was lying.
"But...you're the one who told me that I should get more sleep! Why don't you take your own advice?"
He sighed and came closer to my side. "Junior, your illness is just pent up stress. Fear. Stuff like that. It's not contagious." For some reason then, his expression changed from calm and soothing to dumbfound. That's when I noticed he was looking at some marks on my arm. Contrast to my pallid skin, they were a dark brown color...
I remembered five fingers wrapped around my arm, forcefully. I don't think he meant to leave a mark, and to tell you the truth, I'd never noticed them before. I felt a lot of anger from his side of the room.
"Nergal Junior."
Hearing him call me by my entire name made shivers run down my spine, not related to the illness at all.
"Did you like the CD I gave you?"
I nodded softly, and I smiled. He smiled back. "God...I love your smile." His comment made me blush. "Jack...the CD was great. The pie was pretty good too. I really loved it." It really was the best pie I'd ever eaten. I swear, there was something about it that was pretty unique...I couldn't put my finger on it though.
He crawled into the bed with me, much to my surprise. "Jack..."
"It's okay..." He said blushing. "I won't try anything stupid."
I hugged him...his chest was so strong...like the course cover of a drum, only it didn't feel bad at all. It was comforting...and it made me feel a lot more relaxed.
He hugged me back. We stayed up for a little while, listening to the CD.
This...was the feeling I guess I've always wanted. But he looked at the time, and at me. I still must have had the dark bags under my eyes, because he said that I needed to rest even more. He promised he'd stay with me if I went to sleep.
Well, I did go to sleep. I had a few nightmares, and I broke away from my unconsciousness often to feel his hand as he stoked my back. I was facedown on my pillow, and he was on the corner of my bed against the wall.
He was my best friend. I knew. I knew.
I felt it stop, and when I looked up at him, he was sleeping himself, snoring rather loudly, but still, he looked like he had pleasant dreams. I wished I could have such a placid sleep.
I cuddle up to him even now as I finish writing this. I'm surprised he hasn't woken up yet...I really, really want to be like this forever. I'm listening to my MP3 player...and even though I put the "shuffle" option on, for some reason, I end up with "Never Again"...
Maybe it's Ami's doing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

November 19

I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself...
I hate John.

When I woke up Jack made me breakfast. Pancakes...with happy faces on them. It definitely mirrored my own face. I was smiling.
Happy.
It was a feeling that I really enjoyed. Being happy. I really love it, I love it, I love it. I don't even know what to say to express how much I love this feeling. It was warm, fluffy, I constantly felt like there was no ground, no walls. There was Nickelback on the radio. Jack started singing along, making fun, changing the lyrics. It was really hilarious, because they all sounded perfect. I hadn't laughed so hard since the first time we ate together. He turned all the sad songs into happy songs. I also noticed that he had a nice voice...almost like the lead singer of the band. I guess I was right when I said that the voice reminded me of Jack.
He turned the radio off and said, "Kid, you've got a cute talking voice. Never heard much of your singing voice."
I blushed. "I'm afraid I have no musical talent at all..."
"Well, Ami said you had a cute voice."
I blushed even more. That Ami...I thought that those little moments in the music room were supposed to be PRIVATE. Whenever she practices, I sing along. _{It's only natural, seeing how the songs she learns are for me anyway.}
"Jack, I...I really can't sing, okay?"
The pumpkin headed prankster sighed. "I'll hear it someday. Mark my words." His promise to himself made me laugh softly. "Well if we don't finish up soon, we'll be late for class. So get dressed."
I blushed at his request. It was a one room dorm, and the bathroom was all the way down the hall...next to John's room. I made that pathetic whimper again. Jack's face switched to concern.
"What's wrong...?"
I said, in a small almost inaudible voice, _{"John's room is there."}
Jack sighed. "Alright then. I'll just step out and let you dress in peace, m'k? Just tell me when you're done."
I promptly switched out of my sleepwear to my school wear. I picked out a black shirt, and a light brown jacket, some dark blue jeans, and the occasional boots. I fixed up my hair. Today was the day. I decided. I want to end John. I want Jack.
When Jack came back in he looked very frustrated. "John was out there with a cigarette. He saw me. We just glared at each other, is all." I knew he was lying. My heart was in my throat as we began to walk out of the dorms and onto campus. I didn't see Ami, so she must have been practicing in the music room or something. Andrea, Vivi and Sly greeted us with squeals of delight. "You looks so cute! And you look less tired too!" Sly said, hugging me tightly (Not John tight, just a pleasant sort of tight). Andrea and Vivi began to question my clothes. "You look smashing." An interlude of giggles. "Are you going on a date?"
I shook my head and looked over the pond. The sky was gray, and the clouds were a lighter shade of the color. It was windy and breezy and nice to take in. We went into class...and we had a substitute today.
His name was Grim.
The reaper.
He sent chills down my spine, really. When he called me by name (which was rather rare) it frightened me. Sure, he was weakened with the imprisonment by my cousin and Mandy, but he was DEATH PERSONIFIED. With a Jamaican accent.
The Grim Reaper was very personal when addressing Ami, asking how life is for her and if she'd found what she was looking for. She answered that she was very close, but she begged him not to report to them.
Annoying as always, the bell rang signaling the beginning.
He started off the class by saying that he hated our guts with such intensity that the demons in hell shivered in fear at the hatred he sent down in plumes. (I now understand why he was sent to be the English substitute). "As you teenagers might have known, de Fall Dance is in 11 days. I suggest you get a date soon, or suffer the consequences of being alone."
"Like you?"
A cocky voice came from the door that made the Grim Reaper exclaim, "NOT YOU AGAIN! BOOGEY, I'M TRYIN' TA TEACH DIS CLASS!" The boogeyman, still getting over the terrible case of amnesia he had suffered from a fall. Tall, green, and a pitiful attempt at fearful, he walked up to Grim and wrapped his arms around him.
"Didn't sound like it to me. I remember you at the dance...might I remark that you dance rather cute on your own...You've never been asked out, have you, Griiim?" he stretched the name as if he were mocking him.
"Go away." Grim said, clearly irritated.
"Okay." Boogey said rather sadly, and left.
"Anyway, we shall now be discussing poetry. You all have learned the poetic transitions and patterns with de teacher, so you shall now demonstrate your capability. If you cannot..." he extracted a scythe from his robe. "I will have ta kill you. AHAHAHAHA!"
Everyone was shivering in their chairs. I wasn't really threatened, since I had an A in the class. In fact, no one was threatened. Jack played a multitude of great pranks on Grim, and I couldn't contain my laughter. Eventually though, my mirth went away, and I decided to actually do my work. So I started writing a poem. I liked mine, so I copied it down on another sheet of paper so I could copy it yet again in you.

<sub>I can't tell the truth, because I would feel regret,
I can't tell lies, because I'd die inside,
I can't tell stories, because I'd forget,
I can only burn here, like ice in cyanide.

I can't call you, because it's the truth that's real,
I can't just hide, because I'd only be lying,
I can't tell stories, because the past doesn't let wounds heal,
I can look into your eyes, and see that I'm dying.

I can hold you close, because I wouldn't lie.
I can tell them off, because they're not right,
I can be your friend, you can hold me high,
You can be my candle in this cold dark night.</sub>


I...I wrote it for Jack. I couldn't stop thinking about all that he had done for me. I turned it in, and Grim eyed it. And to my absolute horror, he began to read it out loud. In his Jamaican accent, every word I had written was heard.
"EMO!" Someone cried out.
"Well done." Grim patted me on the shoulder and asked me to take my seat.
Jack blushed as I walked past his desk. He knew. And he smiled and winked at me. I smiled back. But it died quickly when I looked at John. His mouth started moving but no sound came out.
He later tossed a crumpled up paper ball that hit my back. I felt my openings squeeze tightly, trying to keep my tentacles inside. I picked up the note.
You. Me. Lunch. Or else.
He didn't look very happy.
Jack saw my face as I looked at the note. He whispered, "Don't go. I'll deal with him."
I nodded, but I was still very fearful.
So after class, I ran out of there as fast as my legs could take me. When I got outside, I could feel the wind rushing in my ears. I ran to the tree where we used to eat together a few weeks ago. Out of breath, I collapsed onto the ground. Breathe in, breathe out. Wait.
Soon, Jack came out from the bush, and we hid ourselves out of sight. From everyone. He held tightly to me and let me cry. "It's okay to cry," he said. "There's nothin' wrong with that." Diary, I don't know how much I cried. All I know is that my throat was itchy and my eyes hurt. Everything hurt. "Now that you've cried all your tears, it's time to laugh."
I was curious as to what he meant when he said that. I wiped the remaining tears away and I followed him as we sneaked around the campus.
He took a mousetrap with a dead rat on it from his backpack. I twitched. "Jack, why was that in your bag?" His laughter shook me but I feared nothing from it. "Relax kid, it's fake." He placed it outside of the bush.
He took a remote control from his pocket.
He pressed the button in the center and it began to twitch helplessly in the trap. "A little gift for John."
I began to laugh softly and I didn't know for how long, but I DO know was that when John ran into the rat, he screamed like a little girl.
But then he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me out from the bush.
He wouldn't stop yelling. I wanted to shut him up. Jack came out of the bush and tried to defend me.
"What are you doing? What did he ever do to you?" He said furiously.
John's anger was strong, but Jack's was tenfold. He was intimidated. "He is going to pay for this. Junior. Look at me, LOOK AT ME!" He forced my head up to stare into his cold lifeless eyes. "If I ever catch you with this pumpkin headed freak again, I'll kill you, you little creep." He then screamed, because my openings released five ready tentacles and frightened him away.
I saw Jack looking more shocked.
Kill...
me...?
Was he serious when he said that?
My heart was beating faster than a bullet flies. I'm so scared.

LATER

He came into my room calmly and cooly, collected, obviously embarassed, and said that he was sorry for the way he acted. He was sorry for everything. He would never kill me. He was being an asshole before and he wanted to make up for it.
And then he asked me out to the dance.
I didn't say yes. But he said that we were going. I'm going to give him one last chance. If he makes me feel afraid one more time, I'm going to say goodbye to John. Because...what if Jack doesn't like me in the same way that I like him? I don't want to risk being the loser that has to stay at home studying or in his dorm while everyone has fun at a dance.
I want to know what it's like to be human.
Maybe John will be more calm.
I hope so.